Something is Missing

I have been told that with God in your heart, you will be full.
I have been told that children bring meaning to life.
I do believe that both of these are true, but even with all of the love in my life, sometimes it feels like something is missing.

I admit that it is exciting to meet new people and learn about them. I am fine with "Hello, it's nice to meet you." It's exciting to talk to someone new and click with them. It feels good to branch out.

But sometimes, honestly, I wish only to be able to look over at a kind, familiar face and say "I know you, everything there is to know, and I love you," without wondering if they will be around next month, next year or next decade. I don't want to wonder if it's ok to call someone. I don't want to think about someone and hope they are thinking of me. I want to have a life with someone. I want to grow old with someone. I want to have lasting love with someone who I adore and who adores me back, unconditionally.

I guess this is what we all want, so I know, this is no news flash.
It's only how I am feeling at this exact time on this exact day.
Something is missing, indeed.

Weird Sweet-N-Low Dude

Last week, my sister and I made a stop at a nearby restaurant to have some yummies before proceeding to Small Group. We sat inside originally but moved a while later to the patio because it was just too cold for us inside. Upon leaving, we asked for iced tea in to go cups so that we could bring them with us to the meeting. As we were walking out, I remembered I wanted a Sweet-N-Low in my tea, but there were none on our table since we had moved mid-meal. I decided that it would ok to walk up to a table where a man was sitting and ask if I could have a Sweet-N-Low. So, that's what I did. After I asked, he didn't respond, or look at me. I still reached down and took one as I asked again "Is that okay?" With that, he shot his eyes at me briefly, moved his lips ever so slightly as a sort of "mmmhmmm" and then pretty much rolled his eyes quickly!

I was so surprised! I said "thanks," while getting outta there as fast as I could! It was sooooooooooooooooooooo weird you guys, seriously. No, seriously, people are weird!

Hold on and don't give up!

A few days back I got in my car after work and proceeded to my ex's to pick up the babes. After a few feet, I noticed a big ol' grasshopper hanging out right outside the passenger window. I continued to drive, assuming he would fall off, or fly off, or jump off, or just get off my car somehow. But through the side streets he remained.

As I entered the freeway, I was positive he would make his exit. Instead, he held on, even as the wind pushed him to his breaking point. I watched him curiously during the few minutes on the freeway and thought for sure his little front legs were stuck and that he would be dead when we arrived. I actually felt bad for the little guy.

When I arrived at the house, I looked over and to my great surprise, he was still alive, standing back upright!! He had mustered everything inside himself to hold on for dear life!! Either that or grasshoppers have some super duper sticky feet!!!

"Most of 'em shock the hell outta me..." - Vivian Ward

Has anyone ever experienced the feeling of shock when someone does something that hurts you, even when their past behavior has proven that they will, time after time, hurt you?

It happened to me a couple days ago.

First it was like BAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM SHOCK.

And then it was me wanting to cry several times.

And then it was me feeling stupid that, despite my afore mentioned chances to KNOW better, I had believed what they said and I had put trust in them.

And at last it was as if the finality of it all sunk in and I accepted it.

I mean, honestly, I am still a bit shocked and rattled, but I have chosen to draw the line and walk on. I cannot allow myself to be shocked this much by people any longer. I believe it's the desire in my heart to see the good in people. Or maybe I'm just naive.

Small Group

Joined a small group....
I've been twice now. I like it so far.
What they do is take the sermon from Sunday and expand on a it a little, with questions and discussions about the points of the sermon.
Today the sermon was on decision making. Did they know I'm the worst decision maker of all time? So they asked us to text "Heart" or "Head" to this number on the big screen depending on which mode we used to come up with our decisions. My text, of course, was "Heart." Then they did an instant tally of texts to come up with a percentage of each. It was neat! The result was pretty even...49% of us use our hearts, 51% use our heads. Then the pastor got into how we really shouldn't use either of those modes, but use God instead. Simple as that. We need to listen to the small, quiet voice of God to make our decisions. Makes sense to me. I wonder what God will say next time I ask him whether I should have the Thai crunch salad or the veggie sandwich? HeHe totally kidding! I just threw that in there for those of you who know how deep my indecisiveness runs! So anyway, this week at Small Group, we'll discuss all of this. I'm kinda lookin' forward to it...

Whatchya waiting for?

I am 29.


I am not getting any younger.


As these facts are sinking in deeper every day (along with the wrinkles on my face), I realized the need to do my best to stop thinking about someday and start thinking about today.



Earlier I thought for a few moments about things that I'd like to do in my lifetime. There are many many many things, but a few of them quickly popped in my brain during those few moments.



1. Finish reading the Bible.


2. Run a marathon.


3. Stay in an over water bungalow in Bora Bora.

(Can't you just picture me in there?)

4. Travel to Ireland, Italy and Alaska (to name a few).


5. Do a mud run.


6. Get married. (I reserve the right to remove this or any item from the list at any time btw).


7. Have a daughter and name her Kate or Avery.


8. Sike!!!!!! I don't want to have a daughter. Just thought I'd throw that in there to keep you on your toes. ;)


9. Get my Masters Degree. Just have to decide...one of: 1. Guidance, 2. Business, 3. Physical Education, or maybe all three.


10. Complete a triathlon (an Ironman would be amazing).





These things aren't in any particular order, they are just all things that I'd like to do...goals I'd like to obtain....items I will put forth effort to accomplish. Some are more important to me than others, but I would like to do them all. And there is more where that came from. I better get busy, eh!?