"Why do I only live with a Mom?"

Tonight on the way home from picking Brenden up from Jason (Ethan is away at church camp), he blurted out "Why do I only live with a Mom?" HUH? I asked him to repeat the question. He asked it again before clarifying by saying "I mean, why don't I live with a Mom and a Dad?" Insert sound of my heart breaking here.

See, Brenden turned 2 just two short months before Jason and I separated in December 2004. He doesn't remember that he ever lived with a Mom and a Dad, together. To him, life has always been about back and forth and up and down, and sometimes sideways for that matter. In choosing the best dad for my son I failed him. I failed both of them.

We were driving and I was caught off guard and I didn't do a good job of explaining it to him either. What are you supposed to say? Well, kid, your dad is a cheater and a liar and wanted to live with someone else instead of me? No. So I told him that his dad and I used to be married but we got a divorce. To this he said "Huh? Why'd you get unmarried?" His little voice was so small, so innocent. All I could muster up was telling him that we didn't get along. He didn't understand that. So I told him that we weren't happy together and he seemed to be okay with that explanation.

Then he changed subjects to my iPod.

Poor little guy.

God Blessed Me With a Divorce

I know, you probably read the title and followed it with a big "HUH?" Divorces are awful, right?

Well, keep thinking that for a few because I don't have time to write about this right now but I will later tonight. :) Thanks to Trisha for our discussion today because I was reminded again how thankful I am for the hidden blessings in my life.

[Oh, and note to self...don't forget to write the blog about the "stick" mom bought for you - sheesh! :)]

Ok I'm back. So, yes, God blessed me with a divorce.

Some background: My divorce was one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through. I didn't want it. I prayed almost constantly to God for days and days...longer...asking Him to bring my family back together. One night I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't sleep either and I was exhausted. I talked to my ex husband's grandpa Luther on the phone that night and told him what I was going through. He told me to pray. I told him I was. He told me to pray loudly, scream if it made me feel better. So I sat there and practically begged God to help me sleep and to take the horrible thoughts away from my mind, if only for a little while. That is the last thing I remember before waking up the next morning. That prayer was answered.

But others weren't. My marriage ended and I became a single mom. I never thought I would be a single mom. For what was probably more than 6 months, I would just start crying at work. I would cry in the car. I was a complete mess.

Later after my divorce was final, one year after we first separated, I was feeling better. I wasn't feeling like my old pre-divorce self though. I was feeling like my pre-marriage self. I was happy! I was alive! The light was back in me. In noticing this and in talking with those closest to me, I realized how incredibly unhappy I was during my marriage. My sister said it best when she told me that "misery spewed from my pores." I was stuck in a loveless marriage with a person who I resented for so many reasons. And God gave me an out. He didn't answer my prayers.

Thank you God for unanswered prayers!!!!!